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“You can always edit a bad page. You can’t edit a blank page.”
-Jodi Picoult
-Jodi Picoult
(Composing an Emotional Scene)This blog post was inspired by a peace I read called "My Name Is Margaret" by Maya Angelou. Her pain, and how she overcomes it at such a young age inspired me to share my emotional journey. Everybody has a way of viewing the world. What I mean by that is they view things like social media, people, living, what's right and what's wrong differently. Not everybody thinks the same and that's okay. But when you feel that exact same feeling towards your immediate family it becomes a problem. Does it not? I have been suffering from depression for years, every since middle school. I rarely tell people this because when I do they look at me as if I was joking, because of how I carry myself with this 'I don't care' attitude all the time. Or a smile is on my face constantly, I'm telling jokes, I'm active... Someone actually told me you look too good to be sad? Like we all don't know a smile can hide a million tears? Well this guy has an infinite amount to hide... So I'm on my annual vacation, all alone on the balcony of the hotel me and my family is staying in and Creep by VINCINT is playing on a constant repeat. I’m deciphering every lyric, which is foul to my heart considering I know every word. I begin to look out at the ocean and just stare while the music continues to blast in my ears, me being unaware of my surroundings, just me and the darkness of the ocean. The moon was no where sight. A tear falls then another, now my nose is running now all my memories are filling my head I want them to shut up and let the past just be the past, but I can’t. I'm tired of feeling this way I want all my problems to go away but they aren't happening fast enough! I’m annoyed by almost everything! I’m emotional only when I’m alone. I prefer to be alone so I can be emotional in peace. Little do they know I desperately need attention, but I just don't want it. There's a huge difference between want and need. Snaps and claps for those that know and use it properly. Sadly my family knows nothing of it. They want so many things from so many people instead of becoming their own boss. Which will inspire the next family member to boss up and so on, and so on, right? Nope, I'm the only one who thinks this way. I’m done I'm inpatient, its not happening fast enough. So many problems coming my way i'm just a kid! So I stand up and put one leg over the balcony and lean forward so that my chest is laying on the railing and my legs are between. I am afraid of heights so I planned to roll over off the railing and roll over on my back and end it there. My heart wont stop pounding, I begin to sway back and forth, back and forth, back and forth on the railing with the wind pushing me making this decision almost easier than I expected but before I let the wind take me I received a phone call. My best friend is calling, I take my phone out my pocket and just look at it. I don't answer right away. I completely ignore the fact that my Phone flashes constantly when someone is calling me, at this point I'm a beacon for the hotel. I don’t want her to see me like this for the 1000th time so I begin to ignore her but something tells me to answer. After looking at it ring for a while I finally answer still crying I quickly put my phone in my pocket and she instantly knew what was happening as I answer the phone with a sobbing "hello...". Even though a part of me was saying “Don’t answer, don't answer” the other part was screaming “Help me, help me, help me, help me, help me.!" louder. As she talks me into getting down somehow I end up in the folding chair placed out here, still sobbing, still a wreck. She talks to me with the usual 'everything will be okay speech' everybody knows that's not what I want to hear so I'm on the verge of hanging up on her until then she says how bad this is hurting her. "Nonononono! Please don't hang up on me Shamar oh my god, I'm about to cry!" My inner self instantly gets annoyed by her crying. He begins to yell at me. "Why did you answer the phone you idiot, this could've all been over, do it hang up what are you doing!!!" -I hear myself, I feel myself begging to throw my phone off the balcony and let my body chase it. But Mya's voice gets louder than my thoughts, maybe its the earphones. I take one out and begin to hum the music she so rudely interrupted. "Shamarrrrrrrrrrrrr listen to me where is everybody?!?!" -I hear her but I attempt to ignore her. "Did they leave you there?" -She speaks again I had instantly forgot this was a 'family' vacation'. Being on this balcony for hours I had forgot where I was. I was instantly brought back to reality. I lift my head from my lap... Oh there was a moon, I just never payed attention to it. I forced darkness to comfort me to the point where I didn't even see my family through the balcony window as I lift my head up from the lap. Then a quote I saw a while ago comes back to haunt me. "Killing yourself doesn't stop the pain, it just passes it onto someone else." call it an Angel, God, Jesus, whatever but it's as if someone walked up to me and whispered in my ear that. So now I'm thinking if I hang up she might lose her mind and if I ignore her and just do it I''m gonna be hearing her voice on the way down. Now instead of thinking about every bad thing in my life, I started to think about a life without me in it. So many people crying, so many people being blamed, instant chaos that will never be fixed. One of my favorite Artists J.Cole once said "There's beauty in the struggle, ugliness in the success." but the part that really hit me was the part that came after that which was "compared to some of my niggas down the block, man we were blessed." I already knew every life wasn't perfect and I already knew there was beauty in the struggle. What I didn't know is, what kept the people down the street from never giving up even if they never saw a brighter future?
1 Comment
Monique W.
2/13/2019 08:54:33 am
Never give up on yourself, Glizz. That's the same as death.
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Naim BlizzardThis blog is a mirror of my mind, expressing my thoughts, thoughts turn into emotions, emotions turn into actions. ArchivesCategories |